You're allowed to interview your therapist. Here's what I'd look for — and how to trust what you already feel.
You are allowed to interview your therapist.
I still hear from people who feel they shouldn't question the person they've hired — as if therapists are experts of their life, not just experts of a specific body of knowledge. Let me be direct: every human being is the expert of their own life. A therapist is a specialist you bring onto your support team. Like a financial advisor, a surgeon, a mentor — you evaluate them. You ask questions. You notice how they respond to being challenged.
The relationship with your therapist matters as much as their credentials. If you cannot be honest with them — if you cannot challenge them — it will cost you time, money, and trust.
Here is what I would look for.
Prefer to hear it? In about 12 minutes I walk through this same guide out loud — and what I pay attention to when I'm in the room with someone. Reading works just as well; the video is for the days you'd rather listen than read.
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1
Education — and where it happened
Degree and institution matter, but they are the smallest piece. In-person training shapes a therapist differently than online — not just through curriculum, but through years of self-reflection alongside colleagues. Ask where they studied, and why they chose it.
2
Continuing education — out of love, not obligation
I want a therapist who keeps learning because they love what they do — not because a licensing board requires it. Ask what trainings they've invested in recently, and what they're excited to learn next. A growth mindset in a therapist is not a nice-to-have. It's essential.
3
The difference between informed, trained, and certified
When a therapist says they "use IFS" — ask where they learned it. There is a significant difference between these three:
Informed — they read books about it. This is not enough.
Trained — they completed a structured training, ideally from the originating institute (e.g. the IFS Institute for IFS). This is the minimum I would accept.
Certified — they completed training, accumulated supervised clinical hours with the model, and passed evaluation. This is what depth looks like.
4
Years of experience — helpful, but not the whole story
Many people search for the therapist with the most years, believing that is the surest sign of quality. But a therapist can have twenty years of experience and still treat this as a career rather than a calling — accumulating years without staying current, or quietly burning out.
What you want to understand is not how long someone has been practicing — but what keeps them practicing. Experience is valuable when it lives alongside passion, curiosity, and continued investment in the work. Without those — it is just time.
5
Supervision — even after years of experience
A therapist who still seeks supervision understands that no one sees their own blind spots alone. It signals intellectual humility and the willingness to be a student even as a seasoned practitioner. Ask if they currently have a supervisor or a consultation group.
6
How they respond when challenged
This is my favorite indicator. Does the therapist become defensive when you question them? Someone who reacts with defensiveness rather than curiosity is telling you something important about their own unresolved material. You need someone who can hold your challenge without making it about themselves.
Repair matters too. A therapist who occasionally reacts and then comes back with honest reflection is human. What you're watching for is whether they can stay in relationship through difficulty — because that is exactly what they'll be asking you to do.
7
Their own personal development
Professional knowledge and personal depth are not the same thing. The therapists who are truly extraordinary are the ones who have done — and continue doing — their own inner work. Ask if they have their own therapist or coach. The answer tells you a great deal about who will be sitting across from you.
8
Why they became a therapist
This one is optional — but I always ask it. I'm listening for passion: the sense that this is a calling, not a career — that even without payment, they would still find a way to do this work. When therapy is a heart-led choice, you feel it in the room. And that feeling is part of what heals.
9
Your gut. Your internal knowing.
All eight criteria above are logical. This one is not — and it may be the most important of all.
After the interview, after the credentials check — sit quietly and notice. Did something in you relax, or did something tighten? Did you feel seen, or did you feel managed?
Your nervous system is doing its own assessment the entire time — reading tone, presence, the quality of silence. In IFS we call this Self-energy: the part of you that knows before it can explain. That knowing is not irrational. It is information, and it deserves the same weight as any degree on the wall.
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You deserve a therapist who has done the work themselves. Who keeps growing. Who can be challenged without crumbling. Who shows up in the room as a full human being — not just a professional role.
The right therapist doesn't make you dependent on them. They help you become more yourself. And somewhere in your body, before your mind catches up — you will already know when you've found them.
One last thing
Give your therapist a chance to show up for you. We all bring our own fears and biases into a new relationship — including a therapeutic one. Something about their style or tone might trigger something in you that has nothing to do with whether they are the right person. Stay curious about that. Notice it. Bring it into the room.
Usually after three to four sessions you have a real sense of whether this relationship is working. Give it that time before you decide.
Be honest about your doubts — put them on the table. A good therapist will welcome that conversation rather than defend against it. And if, after giving it a genuine chance, this particular therapist is not your match — that is not a failure. It is information. Keep looking. Keep going.
Your healing deserves a relationship that truly fits. Don't settle for less — and don't stop until you find it.